Relationships: a dying breed?

Relationships: a dying breed?

Team coaching

Internationally certified (team) coach Angela van Dorssen talks about her daily practice. Since March 2020, she has been a certified as a neuro-transformational coach.

I’ll get straight to the point: investing in business relationships requires attention to prevent extinction!

I increasingly hear in teams that professionals prioritise the content of their work over building strong interpersonal relationships. Choosing efficiency over caring for others. They feel squeezed by tight schedules and the pressures of the day. Supervisors breathe down their necks, because they also have to meet deadlines. So, quickly moving to the next appointment rather than calling a colleague who seemed emotional during a meeting often seems like the best option at the time. A mountain of work awaits you.

The cost of fleeting contact

The flip side is that relationships sustain structural damage, leading in the long term to a lack of trust and an increased risk of conflict. This is reflected in the performance of a team or company. Decision-making takes a long time or fails altogether. How do you bridge differences when you doubt the other’s intentions? After all, you don’t really know them.

Our mindset: investing in relationships comes at the expense of productivity

Moreover, signs of overstimulation and stress are on the rise. The Trimbos Institute, TNO and CBS have reported an increase in stress-related and psychological complaints since 2022. Rapidly switching between appointments without breaks exhausts us.

From a neurological perspective, it makes sense to allow space for emotions at work: “We are not robots.” We are emotional beings, sometimes overwhelmed by life. It may sound strange, but we recover by expressing emotions in meaningful conversations, feeling genuine attention and being seen and supported. We typically discuss these matters with colleagues that we trust, bonds often formed during those moments at the coffee machine when the topic of conversation isn’t work, or when there is room for the person behind the professional in that online team meeting.

The magic of connection

Last week, I facilitated an peer supervision group who were experiencing a lack of connection online, making it difficult to share personal matters. However, peer supervision requires trust. This lack of connection nearly led to the end of the group. They broke the cycle and accepted the considerable travel time to meet in person. What happened next was almost magical. Participants naturally dared to be vulnerable, allowed emotions to surface and were surprised by what developed. Such is the magic of connection.

Prioritise relationships

Strong relationships are built by personalising interactions and showing genuine interest in others. And, yes, that takes time. However, I assure you that the time invested will pay off handsomely when it comes to making decisions.

Please call me if you would like to have a sparring partner.
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Are we overreacting or is it really that bad?

Are we overreacting or is it really that bad?

Individual coaching

Internationally certified (team) coach Angela van Dorssen shares insights from her daily practice. She has been a certified Neuro-Transformational Coach since March 2020. 

This question comes up regularly in conversations when it comes to transgressive behaviour in the workplace. 

Some quotes:

Aren’t we overexaggerating? This used to be totally normal, didn’t it?” 

As a man, I’m afraid to do anything anymore. I won’t get into the lift alone with a female colleague anymore.” 

But also: “My supervisor swore at me. I confronted him about it, and it wasn’t the first time. Now, he has informed the entire team that he has apologised to me. I no longer feel safe in the team. I fear for my job if I inform HR.

I have been working as a self-employed professional for ten years now, and since The Voice scandal, I have heard examples of transgressive behaviour at least once a week. And these aren’t just from women. Cases range from childhood abuse to recent incidents in the workplace or in relationships. In the past, this topic rarely came up. And not because nothing was happening, as it turns out. 

I get the impression that this is just the beginning. I am pleased with the tentative openness that has emerged, thanks to the courage of others who have paved the way. This research concurs with my feeling that we are more willing to talk about it and recognise its importance.

Not online, but in open, honest conversations, with curiosity about all opinions to reach clear agreements and policies. We are searching…

Are we overreacting? No, I genuinely don’t think so and I believe it’s receiving attention it deserves. Employers and managers have an important role to play in this.

Simple questions like: 

  • Have you ever experienced transgressive behaviour? 
  • What do we as an organisation/team consider transgressive behaviour?

These questions help put the topic on the agenda.

I asked the first question in my personal circle because I also wondered if things were really that bad. I am still shocked by the answers: two rapes within a relationship, two sexual assaults by a physiotherapist and a masseur, and a daughter (aged five at the time) who laughingly told me that a classmate regularly touched her bottom despite her saying no. I didn’t even realise it because I didn’t know I needed to ask this question privately as well.

Invisible cracks in teams

Invisible cracks in teams

Team coaching

Internationally certified (team) coach Angela van Dorssen shares insights from her daily practice. She has been a certified neuro-transformational coach since March 2020. 

For me, everything is information.That’s how I approach team coaching. I start with neutrality and curiosity, observing, questioning and ‘tasting’ the atmosphere. What is going on here? And where does the team want to go? In the case study in this article, six months after the introductory meeting with the team’s manager, a crucial piece of the puzzle seems to have fallen into place, highlighting a painful chapter from the past that continues to divide the team.

When the past is still relevant

One question I pose to teams concerns the historical events (both positive and negative) that continue to influence their interactions. AndThis can include reorganisations, acquisitions and past employees. 

In this team, during the individual written intake, several members referred to a time roughly ten years ago when a former owner and manager led the company. Without knowing the details, from the start of the team coaching, I realised that the impact of an apparently destructive leadership style had led to a sense of insecurity among the team. Every piece of information is valuable and  I trust that the necessity to address this issue will become clear later in the process.

Indeed , it did. Deep-seated emotions from that time resurfaced during one-on-one conversations, which I facilitated. We held talks to clarify misunderstandings and improve the current level of cooperation – a parallel process to the group team coaching sessions. Being challenged on behaviour brought back intense emotional recollectionsto the extent that further cooperation seemed unattainable. Only when the individuals involved bravely shared where these emotions were coming from did a climate of compassion and mutual understanding develop, accompanied by concrete agreements and a relieved handshake at the end. 

Organisational trauma hinders the potential of teams

Surprising? No, not at all. Painful? Undoubtedly. And if left unaddressed, these emotional wounds will continue to surface. You may have heard references to ‘old pain’ within the company,indicative of organisational trauma – those deep, invisible cracks below the surface. 

Signs of organisational trauma include:  

  1. Extreme, sudden emotions that seem disproportionate to the current situation. 
  2. Recurrent references by multiple individuals to a specific issue.
  3. A stagnation in decision-making and change, despite constructive conversations.

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix or a one-size-fits-all solution. As a manager, it helps to be curious about the signs and explore the stories behind them. Ask: What has impacted you? Or what past events continue to influence the present? 

Feel free to discuss these matters among yourselves as well.


The ivory tower of the leader

The ivory tower of the leader

Team coaching

Internationally certified (team) coach Angela van Dorssen talks about her day-to-day practice. She has been a certified neuro-transformational coach since March 2020.

A recurring theme when I work with teams is that people are reluctant to speak out and call others to account. And if you also need to do that within a hierarchical structure, that appears to be even more nerve-racking. Fear may be a better word. I hear employees saying things like: “This will come back to haunt me in my performance review.” And even more often: “I’m not doing it anymore. It’s pointless anyway. They are sitting up there in their ivory tower!” Talking about the manager is therefore the norm in teams.

Don’t leave it at that

Avoidance is normal human behaviour, but it is also a shame. In this way, you block innovation in organisations. After all, you ideally want to be able to communicate openly with each other in teams; that you can speak out, even if you have a different opinion than your manager. You want to be able to call your manager to account about content and behaviour, without worrying about harming the relationship or fearing reprisals.

Dear leader, you can turn this around…

Trained to respond in terms of content

For one leadership team, it was something of an aha moment when they discovered that they were so used to responding in terms of content that they were failing to notice the signals of their employees when they were called to account for their behaviour. A group of employees had plucked up the courage to give them feedback on their behaviour. Instead of responding to the feedback, they zoomed out to the content and came up with a solution to a content-related problem that had not been requested. The employees left disillusioned: “See, I told you it was pointless.” They then talk with each about it anyway and send the managers to their ivory tower.

As a leader, do you have the courage to allow something to affect you personally?

Feedback only makes sense if you are actually willing to listen AND actually take in the message. If your employee gives you feedback about your behaviour, tell him/her what effect that has on you and compliment them for making the effort. It takes quite a lot of courage to climb the metaphorical ivory tower. It doesn’t mean that you agree with it. Ask yourself these questions: ’What impact am I having on the other person? What do I think about that? And what can I do to increase my impact?’Respond, in any case, to the feedback given. You don’t have to do so right away, but let the person know when you will get back to them.

Wrong expectations

Employees can also play their part in ensuring more open communication. I hear them express the expectation that the manager should always act on the feedback. What they see is true. In my view, there is a mismatch in expectations here. It is up to you to convey the feedback as explicitly and constructively as possible. It is up to the other person, in this case the manager, to assess what he/she will do with it. An open conversation, followed by suitable feedback, is a more realistic expectation.

Feel free to get in touch if you would like brainstorm one time about your team or about your own behaviour.

The consequences of avoiding conflict

The consequences of avoiding conflict

Team coaching

Internationally certified team coach Angela van Dorssen talks about her daily practice. She has been certified as a neurotranformational coach since March 2020.

Some time ago, I received a call from a director in my network requesting mediation. Two colleagues were in conflict with each other and the situation had spun out of control, causing emotions to run high. They refused to work together, with one of the colleagues even calling in sick. The whole team was affected by this tension and their work was suffering as a result. Before getting started, I always like to gain a better understanding of the actual problem. And as I suspected, it extended beyond these two people. There were issues throughout the team. When I asked them how long this conflict had been going on, they replied, “nine years”!

Conflict will explode when left unchecked
There are, sadly, no exceptions to this rule. All too often, clients call me when the trust between the parties involved has already fallen to dangerous levels or even been eroded. Which is a shame, because it’s easier to lose trust than to gain it – if the latter is at all possible.

Managers and team leaders find it difficult to deal with tension and heated emotions like anger and sadness. We just don’t like conflict. We prefer to avoid it and push discomfort away. However, differences are to be expected in teams and, therefore, so is conflict. It would be nice if people could discuss their differences openly with each other and get to the heart of the matter. Instead, we take them personally. As a manager, do you allow irritations to persist, do you accept gossip, and do you see poor results due to insufficient cooperation? Chances are this conflict will explode if left unchecked in your team, probably at the worst possible time and at great cost to the relationships. And that’s what happened here after nine years.

Are you willing…
In this case study, I started working with the team and at the same time the two individuals. They weren’t keen on talking to each other again. When asked, “Are you willing to reinvest in a better collaboration?’, the initial response was “no”.I couldn’t force them;it’s their choice. By giving them space and explaining the consequences of saying no, they eventually opted for coaching. This takes courage, as they had little confidence things would turn out well. The role of the manager is crucial here.

Tentative steps towards recovery
In the sessions that followed, they were both given the opportunity to talk about what was causing them so much pain. Venting and acknowledging emotions is an important first step. The details come later. Only when someone gets things off their chest can they be open to listening to others. They said their apologies and expressed their feelings. Unexpectedly, they discovered that they share the same passion for their profession and decided on their own initiative to collaborate on a project. This was a last minute turnaround; things could have easily gone the other way.

What can we take away from this? Dare to have the tough conversations and don’t let conflict fester until it explodes.

Nobody gets in your way on a desert island!

Nobody gets in your way on a desert island!

Team coaching

Internationally certified (team) coach Angela van Dorssen talks about her daily practice. She has been a certified Neuro-Transformational Coach since March 2020.

On a beautiful autumn day, I am working with a management team (MT) from a healthcare organisation. It is a big team with various disciplines and backgrounds. They are faced with an enormous job with a high degree of complexity, as is often the case in healthcare. In the two preparatory talks, it emerged that they wanted to work on improving the connection in the team and on strengthening mutual collaboration. The different regions were now working primarily in isolation: everyone on their own island.

Team or group?

So-called ‘rake structures’ are drawn in organisations, also referred to as organograms. Tasks are clustered and teams are formed. And then it turns out that teams don’t work together as a team. You see that happens when things become tense. In that case, team members prioritise their own interests at the expense of the team result. Yes, this doesn’t help with achieving objectives AND it can be logical that it happens as collaboration does not happen automatically if a team actually turns out to be a group of people.

Definition of a team: ‘People who are dependent on each other AND have a shared identity or goal.’ If one of these elements is missing, then it’s a group. Collaboration is possible, but it is more of a choice than something that is automatically encouraged by the way of organising.

The definition proved to be a good starting point for this team to have an open and honest conversation: Where are we dependant on each other and where not? What is our shared goal? The interesting conclusion was that according to the definition, they are a team, but that they experience it as a group. Now, they can build on mutual collaboration.

A team is at the expense of autonomy

The song by the Dutch children’s choir Kinderen voor Kinderen puts it into words well: ‘Op een onbewoond eiland, loopt niemand voor je neus. Ja, je voelt je d’r blij want, lekker leven is de leus.’ (Nobody gets in your way on a desert island! Yes, you feel happy there, because living freely is the watchword). On your own island, it is brimming with freedom and autonomy. And this is the crux of the matter.

According to Patrick Lencioni (2002), focusing on team results, above one’s own status and ego, is one of the conditions for performing optimally as a team. And that is at the expense of autonomy. This means that when necessary, each team member abides by a decision made by the entire team, even if it’s not the best outcome for their own business unit.

1st step = island hopping

Start small and visit, as it were, each other’s island. What works well there and why? Which challenges is this business unit experiencing? Once all islands have been visited, together determine the framework within which you want to work as a team. What will you do together? And where can the different departments make their own choices?

If you are looking for a travel guide, feel free to call!
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Stop the mental pinball machine

Stop the mental pinball machine

Individual coaching

Internationally certified individual and team coach Angela van Dorssen talks about her daily practice. Since March 2020, she has also been certified as a neurotransformational coach.

“During our session, I’d like to talk about how to switch off from everything that’s going on around me at the office. I’m a wreck by 3 o’clock and completely exhausted when I get home. When I’m at the office, I’m always aware of the people around me. What do they think about me? It’s a new assignment and I want to do it well.” This was a voice message left by a young professional in preparation for our coaching session later that week. It’s a familiar story; I hear it from almost everyone after the summer holidays. We want to live a slower, less frazzling pace of life.

How does our brain work?

To put it very simply, our brain is programmed to keep us safe. It spends all day scanning, as it were, the environment for danger. It looks for stability and that gives us a sense of control. What few people know is that in the event of too much or too little stress, we experience something very different physically, but our brain reacts in the same way. Signs of under- or over-stimulation include thinking in terms of black and white, inability to take decisions, making bad decisions, lack of empathy, uncontrollable impulses, poor memory and chaotic thoughts (source: BEabove Leadership).

The mental pinball machine

We have unknowingly emerged from the corona period mentally drained. Over the past two years, our brains have worked overtime looking for stability in a constantly changing world. Akin to a pinball machine, our brains were constantly active. And that’s exhausting. Now we’re returning to the office, enjoying life again and therefore being exposed to more stimuli, we’re starting to notice the mental impact of this period. We’re low on mental resilience and find it hard to switch off. And if you’ve had the virus, you may still find it difficult to concentrate or feel overloaded (

Doing less at a slower pace

It won’t help to keep pushing yourself in the same way. Self-care is the key. Managers would do well to be clear when prioritising tasks. Doing less at a slower pace also enables us to remain productive in the long term.

Experiment with office days and how you structure them in consultation with your team. Your brain can only focus on one thing at a time. Constantly running between activities sets off the pinball machine. Do one thing at a time. Turn off, for example, the sound on your computer and telephone to avoid feeling overloaded. A good night’s sleep, healthy food, physical activity and meditation or breathing exercises can all help to replenish your mental resources.

The same applies to me. It’s a challenge, what with my ambitious mind and the addiction to dopamine I developed from crossing off things from my never-ending to-do list every day. More relaxation, less pinball! I’ve started my own journey, what about you?

From ego to alignment

From ego to alignment

Team coaching

Internationally certified team coach Angela van Dorssen talks about her daily practice.

One of the most common issues that I come across is a lack of alignment in management teams and on management boards. The inability to take a decision together. When personal interests are prioritised over the collective result. It’s logical, when you think about it. The bigger the team, the more interests there are. The more that is at stake, the more challenging it can be to take decisions. And if you take a decision, you’re responsible for its outcome. When things go wrong too! So it’s more appealing to not make a choice or to continue defending your own position. AND it costs money and leads to frustrations.

Going round in circles

Last week I had a talk with a board of directors in the agricultural industry. The aim of the meeting was to decide on the content for a training for all of the company’s staff. Staff who don’t meet agreements, who don’t discuss issues with each other, and who take offence at feedback. The thing that struck me most during the talk was how divided the board members were. While this is usually a good thing, in this case we were unable to arrive at a specific outcome. I asked them: “To what extent do you have a collective idea of what the training should achieve?” This hit the nail on the head: they didn’t, so we spent a lot of time going round in circles.

Your team does what you do

Suddenly, the penny dropped. They realised that if the board doesn’t have a collective idea, the staff will put their personal interests first, copy their behaviour and nothing will change. They decided to work on this first and to park the training for a while.

Unanimous decisions are a utopia

Alignment is not the same as an unanimous decision. It means that you support the decision. You say ‘YES’ and you do ‘YES’. If, once you’ve discussed the matter properly, you can’t decide unanimously, the next step is to arrive at the best possible decision. Also if this means setting aside your own interests in order to a safeguard the team result.

Feel free to phone me for a chat 06 1985 0504

I decide for myself where I work! Right?

I decide for myself where I work! Right?

Team coaching

Internationally certified team coach Angela van Dorssen talks about her daily practice.

Since last September, an entirely new conversation has emerged in teams: “How and where will we (soon) work?”. In some cases, this led to heated arguments within teams. Or precisely the opposite: teams that reached clear agreements with each other, and took responsibility for the team themselves. It remains a matter of trial and error. It is interesting to see what impact the employer’s policy has on this.

It would appear that when an employer leaves things completely free and provides no framework, AND there is limited trust in a team, individual interests take precedence over team interests. In the long run, this leads to friction, irritation, and conflict in teams. It is time for an honest conversation!

Connection vs. freedom

The number one reason for wanting to return to the office would appear to be that of missing social interaction with colleagues. Informal moments, meeting one another face to face and sharing things other than work content. Employees are fed up with back-to-back online meetings. Interconnection is sorely missed in teams. Managers have already used up all their creativity, and online coffee mornings are no longer attended. So, exactly how do you establish a connection in your team when COVID-19 is holding us in its grip ever longer?

Interestingly, there is another side to it as well. Employees report feeling over-stimulated at work, and being less productive, precisely because they are ‘constantly disturbed’, and they want to use their time efficiently. Furthermore, they are not always willing to invest time in commuting and social connection if it means giving up their personal freedom.

Teams that succeed find the right balance between connection and the freedom to decide for themselves where to work.

What appears to be working?

· Employers must provide space within clear frameworks

· Give teams responsibility and task them with reaching mutual consensus.

· Make individual differences negotiable and build bridges based on the manner in which we deal with different needs as a team.

· Work on building trust in the team by getting to know one another personally

Feel free to phone me for a chat 06 1985 0504

I have a tremendous desire to do something!

I have a tremendous desire to do something!

Individual coaching

Internationally certified team coach Angela van Dorssen talks about her daily practice. She has been a Certified Neurotransformational Coach since March 2020.

Their flame is fading

I’ve been working with young professionals for years. They are ambitious, eager to learn, full of ideas and bubbling with energy. At least, they were before COVID-19. These past few months, it has become increasingly apparent that the tedium and routine in their lives and work are increasingly having a psychological effect on them. I am told of feelings of despondency, frustration and a lack of motivation. As if their inner flame is slowly fading.

“My life is boring, every day is the same. Now that I have had a small taste again, I just don’t want to go back. I have a tremendous desire to do something!” With your approval, I may use this quote to give a voice to young professionals.

Our minds need stimulation

Why is this logical from the mind’s perspective? Stress is actually a neutral word, although we tend to associate it with a feeling of being over-stressed. Excessive stress can be identified, for example, by an increased heart rate, restlessness, teeth grinding, sweating, an inability to sit still, etc.

Too little stress is equally bad for us psychologically. This is something that is still little discussed, certainly not in a business context. Our body reacts very differently under too little stress: lethargy, no energy and feelings of hopelessness or even despondency. A coachee described it this week as “a plant that has not been watered for a long time”.

Our brain needs substances like adrenaline and dopamine to stimulate ourselves. The right balance makes us feel psychologically fit. The remarkable thing is that our brain sends the SAME signals when there is too much, or too little, stimulation. Some examples: a fuzzy head/no focus, lack of empathy (for yourself and others) and an inability to control your impulses.

More stimulation

And therein lies the risk for young professionals who want to have a good time and feel they can’t/won’t. They are in the prime of their lives and careers, and require a mental challenge. Managers are mainly trained to detect signs of burn-out, and miss the signs of ‘too little stress’. Young professionals say things like: “I have too little to do”, “I do not feel challenged”, “I am unable to motivate myself”. It is time for action!

5 tips for more stimulation:

1. Do something! Activate yourself with something small. No matter what, even if it is shopping.

2. Regularly change your environment. Go to a place that inspires you, or work with someone else for a day.

3. Come up with an ambitious project that matches your interests.

4. Learn something new: e.g. new studies, musical instrument, or ask for a project outside your daily activities.

5. Surround yourself with people you feel comfortable with. You will be stimulated by each other’s energy. Win-win.